Remember how I decided to remove the father from my life because of some things he did? (The last one included destroying all of my files as well as stuff meant for my future career on the old computer and it was the last straw, too.)

Mom told me he would be here yesterday, so I spend all day visiting my old college as well as some libraries to avoid meeting him.

When I did meet him, he had changed tremendously, especially his appearance. He had usually been a bearish man with a very round, bearded face. Now he's much thinner with slightly longer hair, no facial hair, and very thick, nerdy glasses. He looks more like a favorite uncle than a father and he seemed glad to see me again - at first. Then he paid me no heed after that.

My sister and her young kids are also steering clear of me because of a recent argument, of course. And the youngest sister, while she willingly hugged me at first, didn't notice me anymore. And when my sister left, the whole family went out to see her on her way, leaving me behind in the house - like the old days.

That's not all. My then favorite aunt had acted like I'm nothing when we all went to Disneyland almost 10 years ago. Several of my close friendships had soured for a few reasons over the years. And now I may be scaring my brother's girlfriend away when I asked her if she would like to the movies with me (I don't know for sure yet.)

Am I a bad person? Do I really deserve any of this?

If I behaved or did some things that brought some real consequences, that would not be very surprising.

No wonder I have been suffering from a pretty low self-esteem and inferiority complex for most of my adult life.